Contentness...

Dear Lord,
I am begging for help.

Please make it possible for me to be content with what I have.

My eyes and mind keep going to things that I do not have.

I know that in some other people's eyes, what I have is more than enough and more than what they have...

But my eyes keep looking for more.

If by any chance it is your will that we do have more, please make it as clear as the sun is in the sky on a bright summer day. But if it is not, let my spirit know so that is can stop looking and find some peace that seems to be eluding me.

I love you and trust you.

In your Son's name.
Amen

Connor Zachary...

For all my friends who prayed for a little boy last year was born way too early and way too little, I thought I would post a little update.

He is now one year old, has a little sister and proves that God doesn't pay attention to survival rates (his was 5%).

Our God is Great! Never lose faith in Him.

Choosing to SEE

I happened to run across a friend's mini review of this book on Facebook and realized what the subject matter was and I instantly knew I had to buy the book.

You see, I prayed for this family on May 21, 2008. I remember how heavy my heart was when I heard the news and how I searched all over the internet for any information that could help me better focus my prayers for this family.

Do I know them? Not really.
Do they know me. Not at all.
Honestly, I only know a handful of Steven Curtis Chapman songs.
Okay two.

But I have the spiritual gift of intercession. It took me a while to figure it out. Why would I feel the need to pray to God for people I didn't even know at the weirdest times. I felt a closeness to them and the situation that only God could explain. I know that now.

So I jumped at the chance to learn more about these people who I prayed for. I was not disappointed with what I learned. The main point being that I learned from this book.

Mary Beth is an amazing and REAL woman. She has the honesty to put it on paper. You will be amazed!

Choosing to SEE is a book that will touch the mother in you and the believer in you.

His voice...

So today I heard Him.

Through no one's planning but His. God spoke to me and I am humbled. Today my son had a play date with a friend from our old church. They met again at VBS this week so we planned a play date.

Jeff, me and the girls went to go pick him up and got to spend an hour witnessing God's blessing on this family.

You see, last winter their house burned down from a fire that no one can explain.
It was the house that they recently got to move back into after about three years of work. Mostly their own and the work from their church family.
See they finally broke down and accepted this help after going through cancer with their son.
Which already was tough because they have another wonderful son who has serious health issues.
Did I mention that those three years were of this great family of five living in their camping trailer? All year round?

Before the fire they thought they were home free (no pun intended). They still had work to do on the home but they had gotten the okay to move in and had spent the summer inviting church to their house for cookouts and bonfires. The cancer reports came back negative and they were settling into a normal routine.

And then just like that it was all gone. All their work, their belongings, everything they ever had. Burned to the ground.

Today I got to visit and see their new home that is close to completion. They live in a camping trailer again. But it is a better one. The house will not always be work in progress... it will be a work completed. All they have to look forward to is spending time with their three sons.

Did I tell you that these are amazing people who haven't changed a bit? They hang on to God and accept faithfully, that He will be there for them. There is no bitterness or anger. It was such a blessing to my soul to spend those minutes with them.

As we drove home, Jeff held my hand and said "Don't worry, someday we will have a house too".

But that was the farthest thing on my mind.

You see, I have never been without shelter. I've never had to deal with watching all my hard work go up in flames. I never had to sift through rubble to look for anything that could be salvaged. My children are healthy and I have never had to stretch my faith that much.

Thank you God for showing me that my lesson has to be more than just a house. You see, He doesn't give us more than we can handle. I'm blessed and while that is a wonderful thing. I yearn to be able to handle more in my faith.

Been a while...

I haven't posted in quite a while. I wish I could blame it on a lack of creativity, but the truth is that there has been a deep valley that I have been crossing for some time now. Nothing serious, but deep none the less. Depression and stress is not as sexy as a million other reasons that I could make up. But this has always been a place for me to share honesty. Sexy or not!

Something that hit me out of the blue, was a change in my fertility. I'm 39 so no menopause, but peri-menopause. All of this led to me being anemic and so I had a procedure to try and help that. The result was that while Jeff and I have no plans whatsoever to have any more biological children, it is final because now I am in no condition to have anymore. All common sense points that it should be no big deal, but apparently women are wired to the core to have children. I had to figure it out and say it aloud and cry it out.

You see, once in college, Jeff asked me what I wanted most in the world.... and I answered that I wanted to be a mom. I have three beautiful, wacky children who I adore with all my heart. But sometimes, I think my calling is to be a mom to everyone. But that is another blog post to be I think.

Another truth that I have a hard time with is that I wish we were in a house instead of our/Mom's condo. I know that it has to be God's timing. We have been looking and nothing is really interesting. But I still wake up every morning wishing that things were different.... and I am tired of wishing my life away.

I know I should be thankful and I TRY very hard to convince my heart that most people would DIE for the opportunity to live somewhere without a mortgage, but I guess I am not that convincing.

The worst part, is that I feel so guilty for complaining of these situations. I can picture so many people who have it much worse than I. Who cannot have children and who have no place to live, or are losing their homes as we speak. I guess what I ask for is prayer to make myself sensitive to God's promptings. That I put my trust in him and that I use my time constructively doing his work instead of hiding in my world feeling sorry for myself.

Dear Teenager,

Dear Young Person,

I know I am getting old, but really... I do know what you are going through. I lived through your temperamental age and I had the same pressures you do. Drugs, sex, ditching class... trying to be cool (or whatever they call it now).

We were pressured to be THAT person.... the one with the perma-boy/girlfriend... the martyr... the suicidal... the rescuer... the shocker... the geek... the prep... the jock... the partier...

You will get past it. None of this will matter and you will be amazed how much time and energy you are wasting to be "whoever" you think you need to be to impress one or all of the people in your high school class.

Your parents are not supposed to be your "friends" when you are trying to test your boundaries, and believe it or not, they know what you are doing. Every little bit. They are just picking their battles or trying to make sure they don't push you to make worse decision than you already are. They know exactly how you think.

Believe in yourself and try to look to the future.
You don't need to impress me
You don't need to shock me
You don't need to like me and
You don't need to be liked by me

Because you stepped into my life,
whether for a minute
or
for your lifetime,

and
I'll pray for you
because
I love you
because
God loves you.

Blast from the past

We have decided to put Tristan back into Tae Kwon Do again. I just went to the webpage to find out the times and there was a small video featuring my two cuties. See if you can find them!

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Dear God...

Dear God,

Forgive me for forgetting that you are in my life.

That you love me

and look after me

and hold my life in your hands.

When I think that I can't handle it anymore,

I know that I am failing you,

because you ultimately control it all.

Thank you for all my blessings!

I pray that I will continue to

strive to live the kind of life

that honors you.

Amen

My 39th birthday

I had a very good birthday this year. This coming from the girl who usually cried during her birthday for one reason or another!

In the morning I was awaken by Jeff and the kids with a present of (2) Vera Bradley wallets. Super cute and while I did drop a hint, I was so glad to see them!

I ran my mom to some doctor appointments, got bagels for a treat at work and still got to work on time!

I got the cutest message from my Veersma family. Everyone sang me happy birthday (complete with Scooby Doo’s) and I got to work with a huge smile on my face!

Work went well and I even snuck in an appointment with a nurse to talk about health goals.

I got home to find out that mom had gone to the condo board about keeping both dogs even though only one is allowed in the bylaws.

We went out to dinner at the Curragh and ate outside. I had my favorite dinner (Veggie Boxty) and then we went for a stroll downtown for some shopping and ice cream.

Before we got back in the car we hit the new fountains downtown. The kids had a blast running under the arcs of water and trying to stay relatively dry!

I feel asleep with my buddy T-man. We talked about famous people he knew and didn’t know. There was some giggling and joking around. Someday I won’t be able to snuggle with my little guy, but for now I will cherish the moments I get.

Jeff then carried a sleeping Tristan to bed and came to bed.

I am so blessed!

Rubber bands...

I recently had the privledge of meeting someone at my church to discuss God-given gifts. The funny thing is that I got to compare my current gifts with a copy of my gifts from some years ago. Some new ones are developing, others were well developed and yet others, I had the privledge of scratching off my list.

Scratching off the list you may ask. I realized that while I was able to use these gifts, they were not particularly the ones that I enjoy. So I got the permission to scratch them off the list.

This may seem like such a little thing, but it was so liberating.

My friend at church explained that God gave us gifts so that we can be like a happy rubber band. All loose and happy. That when we attempted to do things that were out of our zone, it was a stretch and that would pull us. We can do it for a while, but after a long period of time, we snap.

I feel like I am so late in the game, but I believe this can give me direction on trying to make my life more enjoyable for me (and others around me).

Top ten things I miss from Lake Champion

• Being outdoors all the time!
• On demand hot chocolate
• Being surrounded by some of my favorite people
• My "Vamp It Up" nail polish gang
• A king sized bed
• No dishes to wash - thanks middle schoolers
• Watching my kids play with fish, frogs and other creepy crawlies
• Being surrounded by so many people with true servant hearts
• Walking everywhere as opposed to sitting at a desk all day
• Knowing that even sewing rings on curtains can help serve the Lord!!!

The Passion

I try to make a point of watching the Passion of the Christ, during lent every year. I feel like I need to be reminded of exactly what Jesus went through for a sinner like me.

I cringe, turn my head, and find excuses to leave the room when the pain is too much to bear...

I wonder if I would know the truth when it came to persecuting him. Would I follow the crowds? Would the words "Crucify Him" come out of my mouth?

Tears stream as I shutter at the thought of what Mary went through.

But then there is the miracle of the grave being empty...

The gift we have been given which in no way is related to jelly beans, bunnies or candy.

It is unbelievable...

For a sinner like me.

I pray for all my loved ones in this time of Lent. That our hearts become ready to celebrate this gift.

Jesus Christ is risen! He is risen indeed!

Prayer List for this morning...

• For contentedness for myself (is that a word?)
• For hurting marriages
• For a good birthday for my little friend (and his family)
• For babies to continue to be healthy and grow up strong
• For my mom in Peru
• For hurting moms who don't have relationships with their children
• For the patience and wisdom to give my children "good" attention
• For foster parents who take in and love
• For a better attitude at work
• For help to be the best wife possible for my husband and best mother possible for my children
• For my coworker who found out that there was more to his health issue than just a stroke
• For my unemployed friends who do their best to live life "normally"
• For blessing on our Lake Champion trip this spring break, that our hearts get prepared to do God's work no matter what it is, that our travels are safe and that we do it for Him not ourselves.

Some pictures

Tristan fell asleep in our bed and this is how we found him when we went to move him into his own bed.

Perry the Platypus in case you were wondering. Notice the kids' school bus pulling away.

On the playground at Jim Kaat park. We went walking and found ourselves at the park. Stayed out until the sun set and the cold chased us away.

The kids' first Pinewood Derby at Calvary. They had a blast and both came home with trophies. Lots of fun for the whole family.

Insomnia

Things I do when I can't sleep...
- Clean my email inbox
- Clean out my purse
- Go through the mail
- Contemplate logging on Facebook
- Remind myself that I gave up Facebook for lent
- Read blogs
- Eat cereal
- Play Mah-jong
- Hum
- Pray
- Hope that I get tired

Diet update

i bought the diet pop like three days ago. The regular about 3 hours ago.

Mystery of the heart...

Sometimes I crack myself up. I would have never thought I would be someone who would listen to church sermons in my free time (or work time, as the case may be). But I am. Today I am listening to Mars Hill Church – Rob Bell. He is talking about Jonah and relating it to hearts. How our hearts are a mystery.

Yesterday a co-worker of mine came into the office to visit during his time off to recover from a stroke. He is young-ish (40’s), healthy, skinny and he takes care of himself. Why a stroke? Only God knows. But when I heard he was in the office, I went looking for him, found him and promptly hugged him and declared how good it was to see him. He got tears in his eyes and explained that tears are common now since his stroke.

Do you think his heart knows that he could have died?

I try to put myself in his shoes and must imagine that I would be thankful for all the blessings that I never paid attention to before the stroke.

I’m sure I’m not a special person in his life, but a person none the less.

Am I so caught up in my life that I don’t pay attention to all the blessings I have, including people at work who just make my day a tiny bit better with conversation or just a smile?

Is my heart grateful enough on it’s own?

The subconscious is so crazy. Does the heart and the brain have their own conversation? How much of it is pre-programmed by God? Does something like a major event that takes our consciousness out of the picture necessary so that it is quiet enough for the heart and brain to speak it’s own language?

To bring us back to what we were created for?

New things to try...

So today I decided to start drinking diet pop. Yes, I am one of the only people who still drink regular pop.

I figure if I can get used to country music... diet pop shouldn't be that hard! hahaha

Sister love

Giving up for Lent

When it comes to Lent, I always fall back to my Catholic roots... more fish and I always give something up that brings my focus to God.

This year I gave up Facebook and in fact, all TV, computer and video games during the work/school week. The last three things, we gave up as a family. The kids are not so thrilled, but they do find themselves doing things like reading more and playing with toys (what a novel concept huh?)

At night, Jeff and I find ourselves having to talk more, or else getting to bed earlier and getting some much needed rest that we seemed to sacrifice for tv shows.

Tristan remarked that instead of thinking of God, he seems to be thinking of hell. While I first wanted to scold him, it did give us an opportunity to talk about hell, not usual conversation around the dinner table.

In the end, we decided that perhaps hell would be somewhat like not getting what we want, but that would probably only be a tiny part of what it would be like. That it would be best to thank God for what we have and for Him being in our lives.

By the way friends, I have a terrific link for people who want to hear about the differences between Catholics and Protestants. My old friend is a Pastor and here is a link to his sermon on this subject. (Thanks Bruce... )

Gushing about the hubby...

Ever once in a while I realize that I am sooo blessed to have the best husband in the world. We have had our rough patches, but we make it through. The other night we were watching a movie where the wife was very "word that rhymes with itchy". I saw myself in that character. I just stared at Jeff and exclaimed "That is me isn't it?".

He smiled and gave me a kiss.

Now that is what I call telling me the truth in a loving manner.

For Casey... a memory.

Being a caregiver is such an experience that cannot be explained. You love, work, never get to take a break from worrying and at the same are thankful get to be doing what you are doing.

I was one of my dad's caregivers for quite a while. My mom did all the personal stuff that he was too embarrassed to have me do (and I respected that out of love) but when it came to doctor's appointments, it was me who took him and kept track of the medical information that was thrown at us.

Before dad was in a wheelchair, I remember one summer morning, I was taking him to his primary physician. South Washington, MMPC. I asked Dad if he wanted to get dropped off and he told me to park far so he could get some exercise in. We parked near the end of the sidewalk and started in.

He needed help getting up to the sidewalk. I tried to give him my arm, but the truth was that he needed more help than that. Why I didn't get in front of him and grab his torso was a split decision to not make him out to be weaker than I wanted him to be. But he was.

He fell onto the sidewalk. I tried to lift him but could not, even though his weight was about 115 pounds if that. He was embarrassed and I felt awful for letting him fall. He was scraped up and unfortunately, even a scrape took too much time to heal.

An angel came by. Actually his name was Bruce. I remember when our church helped him out because he had an accident that left him in a wheelchair. He asked if he could help and I asked him to sit with Dad while I grabbed a wheelchair that was in the front lobby of the office. He did, and he helped me get Dad in the chair. He explained how he was in a wheelchair for a while and there were times when his wife couldn't get him up when he fell out. He had compassion and then went about his business to his own appointment. Actually it wasn't until they called his name to go in, that I realized my angel's name.

There really was no way to avoid the fall. If I had dropped him off at the curb, he would have had to go in by himself since I would have had to park the car. He didn't acknowledge that he was weakening that much. I never would have assumed it, or if I did, I wouldn't have mentioned it to him to hurt him.

The only thing we can do is turn to God. While it was awful to go through. I learned his limitations. I prayed that God would let me still show him the love with the right amount of care, respect and dignity. It takes lots of strength, and I pray that for everyone who is in this situation. But believe me, it will bless the socks right off of you.

Prayer

I have dealt with seasonal depression ever since I went to Michigan Tech in the U.P. At school I would take some homework and sit under a special light in the counseling center and supposedly that would help.

Jeff has always bought me daylight light bulbs for the house and although it looks so weird from the outside, I have gotten used to it. It is still hard to trudge thru the season and the worst is when I feel like "I can jump right out of my skin". Has anyone else ever felt like this?

We are having a good evening at home with no reason to leave the house. I feel like a too big adult making a ruckus in a kiddie pool. Splish, splash... Water all over and I've got limbs flying everywhere. If I were to simply stop, I would notice how ridiculous I am being.

I've got WJQ on the radio and hoping that Wally can somehow make the time go by faster so I have an excuse to go to bed early. Anything to make it stop.

If you were to walk past our window, you wouldn't see anything out of the ordinary. I think I will head to bed and crochet for a while.

Dear God,
I'm sitting here tonight hoping to slow my mind from it's running.

“Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10)

Lord, help me to give you everything. Help my mind to be still and remember that YOU control everything from the hairs on my head, to the many snowflakes that fall outside my walls. I want to be a positive influence to my children and to not hide away when I can't control my running thoughts.

I trust you and give it all to you.
I love you!

Amen

Life lesson...

It is easier to criticize, but difficult to improve. If you want to help people improve their behaviour it is worth investing your effort in learning how to help people change their behaviours, attitudes and skills.
Also, always remember not to get carried away or judge yourself by someone else's criticism and feel depressed as you are the best judge to judge yourself. Take Criticism in your stride, consider those which are genuine and implement those which you think is the best to improve you as a person!!

-- Author Unknown

How I met my knight in shining armor...

I don't know why this is on my mind... but I was remembering when I met my husband Jeff.

I had transferred to Michigan Tech on a whim, more or less. I wanted a new start at college and I went purely on it's reputation. After having a 3 hour meeting/interview with the Transfer Admissions chair of MTU, first at Bob Evans, and then in the lobby of this motel. I put my faith in God and started the first week of December of 1991.

Of the three dorms on campus, I chose the smallest. I arrived at 5am via the Greyhound with my boyfriend at the time who went back to Flint the same day in the evening.

I knew exactly one person who went to Michigan Tech from my high school. He was two years younger than me, and I happened to run into him at the town library earlier that year. Jeff happened to be one of his roommates.

Jeff remembers when I called Jon to let him know I was at Tech that evening. We were amazed to be in the same dorm and he quickly came down to visit me. He called Jeff from my dorm room to jump up and down to see if we could hear him. We could! We determined he was almost right above my room.

I didn't meet Jeff that night. In fact, I think it was into the first or second week of the term when I met him. I sat in the cafeteria with Jon and watched this young man with the most amazing eyes bow his head to pray before eating.

It was a slow motion moment and I only recall his beautiful blue eyes.

The next part of the story gets a little complicated, and I imagine that it will wait for another post!