Tuesday, July 27, 2010

His voice...

So today I heard Him.

Through no one's planning but His. God spoke to me and I am humbled. Today my son had a play date with a friend from our old church. They met again at VBS this week so we planned a play date.

Jeff, me and the girls went to go pick him up and got to spend an hour witnessing God's blessing on this family.

You see, last winter their house burned down from a fire that no one can explain.
It was the house that they recently got to move back into after about three years of work. Mostly their own and the work from their church family.
See they finally broke down and accepted this help after going through cancer with their son.
Which already was tough because they have another wonderful son who has serious health issues.
Did I mention that those three years were of this great family of five living in their camping trailer? All year round?

Before the fire they thought they were home free (no pun intended). They still had work to do on the home but they had gotten the okay to move in and had spent the summer inviting church to their house for cookouts and bonfires. The cancer reports came back negative and they were settling into a normal routine.

And then just like that it was all gone. All their work, their belongings, everything they ever had. Burned to the ground.

Today I got to visit and see their new home that is close to completion. They live in a camping trailer again. But it is a better one. The house will not always be work in progress... it will be a work completed. All they have to look forward to is spending time with their three sons.

Did I tell you that these are amazing people who haven't changed a bit? They hang on to God and accept faithfully, that He will be there for them. There is no bitterness or anger. It was such a blessing to my soul to spend those minutes with them.

As we drove home, Jeff held my hand and said "Don't worry, someday we will have a house too".

But that was the farthest thing on my mind.

You see, I have never been without shelter. I've never had to deal with watching all my hard work go up in flames. I never had to sift through rubble to look for anything that could be salvaged. My children are healthy and I have never had to stretch my faith that much.

Thank you God for showing me that my lesson has to be more than just a house. You see, He doesn't give us more than we can handle. I'm blessed and while that is a wonderful thing. I yearn to be able to handle more in my faith.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Been a while...

I haven't posted in quite a while. I wish I could blame it on a lack of creativity, but the truth is that there has been a deep valley that I have been crossing for some time now. Nothing serious, but deep none the less. Depression and stress is not as sexy as a million other reasons that I could make up. But this has always been a place for me to share honesty. Sexy or not!

Something that hit me out of the blue, was a change in my fertility. I'm 39 so no menopause, but peri-menopause. All of this led to me being anemic and so I had a procedure to try and help that. The result was that while Jeff and I have no plans whatsoever to have any more biological children, it is final because now I am in no condition to have anymore. All common sense points that it should be no big deal, but apparently women are wired to the core to have children. I had to figure it out and say it aloud and cry it out.

You see, once in college, Jeff asked me what I wanted most in the world.... and I answered that I wanted to be a mom. I have three beautiful, wacky children who I adore with all my heart. But sometimes, I think my calling is to be a mom to everyone. But that is another blog post to be I think.

Another truth that I have a hard time with is that I wish we were in a house instead of our/Mom's condo. I know that it has to be God's timing. We have been looking and nothing is really interesting. But I still wake up every morning wishing that things were different.... and I am tired of wishing my life away.

I know I should be thankful and I TRY very hard to convince my heart that most people would DIE for the opportunity to live somewhere without a mortgage, but I guess I am not that convincing.

The worst part, is that I feel so guilty for complaining of these situations. I can picture so many people who have it much worse than I. Who cannot have children and who have no place to live, or are losing their homes as we speak. I guess what I ask for is prayer to make myself sensitive to God's promptings. That I put my trust in him and that I use my time constructively doing his work instead of hiding in my world feeling sorry for myself.