Been a while...

I haven't posted in quite a while. I wish I could blame it on a lack of creativity, but the truth is that there has been a deep valley that I have been crossing for some time now. Nothing serious, but deep none the less. Depression and stress is not as sexy as a million other reasons that I could make up. But this has always been a place for me to share honesty. Sexy or not!

Something that hit me out of the blue, was a change in my fertility. I'm 39 so no menopause, but peri-menopause. All of this led to me being anemic and so I had a procedure to try and help that. The result was that while Jeff and I have no plans whatsoever to have any more biological children, it is final because now I am in no condition to have anymore. All common sense points that it should be no big deal, but apparently women are wired to the core to have children. I had to figure it out and say it aloud and cry it out.

You see, once in college, Jeff asked me what I wanted most in the world.... and I answered that I wanted to be a mom. I have three beautiful, wacky children who I adore with all my heart. But sometimes, I think my calling is to be a mom to everyone. But that is another blog post to be I think.

Another truth that I have a hard time with is that I wish we were in a house instead of our/Mom's condo. I know that it has to be God's timing. We have been looking and nothing is really interesting. But I still wake up every morning wishing that things were different.... and I am tired of wishing my life away.

I know I should be thankful and I TRY very hard to convince my heart that most people would DIE for the opportunity to live somewhere without a mortgage, but I guess I am not that convincing.

The worst part, is that I feel so guilty for complaining of these situations. I can picture so many people who have it much worse than I. Who cannot have children and who have no place to live, or are losing their homes as we speak. I guess what I ask for is prayer to make myself sensitive to God's promptings. That I put my trust in him and that I use my time constructively doing his work instead of hiding in my world feeling sorry for myself.